


Dead eyes

by Straykiiidz



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Blind Character, Fluff and Angst, I Tried
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-18
Updated: 2018-10-18
Packaged: 2019-08-03 23:16:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16335110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Straykiiidz/pseuds/Straykiiidz
Summary: After losing his eyesight, Hyunjin and Felix come together and have a talk in which Hyunjin confesses his fear of forgetting.(The story isn't as bad as the summary)





	Dead eyes

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first time I ever publish (and finish) a story and I am quiet nervous...
> 
> English isn't my first language, so I'm sorry for any grammar or spelling mistakes.
> 
> Warning: there is a panic attack near the end of the story, but isn't described too detailed
> 
> Hope you enjoy:)

_"I miss your freckles."_  
  
Felix lost count on how often the older had told him.  
  
And just like always, the sentence came out of the blue and was left uncommented, but the freckled boy sensed that that time was unlike the others.  
  
Something in the way the older had said it was different. It wasn't the dreamy or lovely kind of way the older had always used to express his love for the little dots. No, for the first time since the accident, the sentence was said such a sad way, the freckled boy actually felt his heart shatter.  
  
  
  
"You're starting to forget?"  
  
"I don't want to forget."  
  
Felix grabbed the older's hand, feeling how it was slightly trembeling. The black haired had always been sensible, but it was obvious how much worse it had gotten over the last couple of months.  
  
The younger couldn't blame him, though.  
  
  
  
"Jinnie, can you tell me the color of my favourite roses?"  
  
"Blue."  
  
He didn't mention the older's cracked voice.  
  
"Describe blue for me."  
  
  
  
They were the last ones in the practice room and the lights had been turned off, leaving the two of them in darkness.  
  
Hyunjin had begged Felix to stay just a little more, needing someone to help him with the choreo, even though, they both knew that the older wouldn't perfom it on stage.  
  
It was too risky.  
  
Chan feared that the boy would trip over the other members and injure others and himself or, even worse, fall down the stage.  
  
He wasn't allowed to dance on stage anymore.  
  
  
  
"Blue reminds me of the sky and the sea. It has a calming feeling to it."  
  
Felix hummed in response.  
  
"A memory you connect with blue."  
  
"Remember when we sneaked out with Changbin Hyung and went to the Han River at night? There wasn't a single cloud and the river had looked so beautiful that time."  
  
His hand wasn't trembeling anymore.  
  
"Light or dark blue?"  
  
"That memory? Dark blue."  
  
  
  
They were sitting on the small couch in the corner of the room. The black leather of the couch had felt weirdly comfortable when the two sweating boys had fallen on it, leaving a little space between them. It was Hyunjin who ended up being the one who closed the gap and put his head on the younger's shoulder.  
  
  
  
"I will never see your freckles again."  
  
It was as if the conversation they had had not even a minute ago never happened.  
  
"I know."  
  
  
  
Felix sighed and guided the older's too big hand with his own smaller one, so that Hyunjin's fingers could touch the freckles on his cheeks.  
  
  
  
"I want to see them."  
  
"I know."  
  
  
  
The younger let the hand drop. His arm wrapped itself around the older's waist, to show that he was very much still present and wouldn't leave anytime soon.  
  
  
  
"I want to see you again."  
  
"I know."  
  
  
  
The head on his shoulder left and the freckled boy could feel the dead eyes staring at him.  
  
And his sobs were getting louder.  
  
  
  
Felix remembered when their manager had ordered all of them to come to the hospital, not explaining what had happened or who the affected person was. They had all found out when only eight members had shown up in the waiting room and Jeongin had whispered Hyunjin's name with wide eyes.  
  
Practicing or dancing in general was prohibited for the injured boy who had locked himself in his room for months, only opening the door for the members who slept in the same room as him. He only left the room together with Jeongin for school or to eat something, when the others refused to bring him food. Too embarrassed to ask to be brought to the bathroom, Hyunjin had felt his way through the dorm multiple times and it had always ended up with someone helping the crying and whimpering boy.  
  
He hated every second of his new life.  
  
  
  
"Wanna dance?"  
  
"We should go back."  
  
Felix noticed how broken Hyunjin's voice sounded. He didn't mention it.  
  
"One dance and we go back?"  
  
"Chan Hyung is probably worried."  
  
Felix had told Chan that they would most likely stay a little more than just some minutes.  
  
Hyunjin knew that Chan wasn't worried.  
  
"Why don't you wanna dance with me?"  
  
Silence.  
  
  
  
Only then did Hyunjin notice the suffocating warmth in the room and the turned off AC.  
  
He wanted to dance. He really, really wanted to.  
  
The problem was that he wanted to see Felix while dancing. Wanting to see the blinding smile on the younger's face and soft hair which flew around when the younger jumped.  
  
He also noticed how much louder his sobs were getting.  
  
  
  
"Tell me the color of Autumn."  
  
The question came so sudden, Hyunjin needed some time to actually understand what the younger just asked.  
  
"Red? But I-"  
  
"Describe red."  
  
The boy didn't understand what Felix wanted to archive with that. Nevertheless, he wiped away his tears with his sleeve and laid his head back on Felix's shoulder.  
  
  
  
"Red is weird color."  
  
"Try it."  
  
Hyunjin felt the small hand on his waist. The small fingers tickled his sides which made a giggle escape his lips.  
  
"Red reminds me of blood and torture but also love and trust. I- I really don't know how to describe it, Lix."  
  
  
  
Felix looked at the mirror, his eyes had thankfully already adjusted to the darkness. Hyunjin's whole body was shaking again, but he didn't cry. He hiccuped loudly and sniffed a little, but otherwise he was fine.  
  
It was amazing how the tall boy, who used to look so strong and happy, looked so small and defensless.  
  
Felix knew that using 'amazing' to describe Hyunjin's horrible state was everything but appropriate, but there was no other word to describe it.  
  
He was amazed and hurt.  
  
  
  
"A memory you connect with red."  
  
"The accident."  
  
  
  
He froze. The answer came too fast for his liking.  
  
Felix stared at Hyunjin's reflection. The grey hoodie and black sweatpants swallowed up his whole body, but the freckled boy still noticed how the older nervously played with his fingers or how his black hair coverd his dead eyes or how his shoulders were-  
  
  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"It's okay, Jinnie."  
  
  
  
There weren't any windows in the room which made little to no sense to Felix because after practicing for hours, the air in the room was awful and he wondered, why the two of them didn't choose another place to practice the choreo Hyunjin wasn't allowed to perform.  
  
They could have gone to the roof, enjoying the cold air and listen to the cars passing by. They could have gone back to the dorm with the others and get some well deserved rest.  
  
Felix could have avoided the accident by forcing Hyunjin to come back home and not continue to practise the moves he had already mastered.  
  
  
  
"Remember the time we went to the Han River and did a vlive with the other members?"  
  
Hyunjin thought for a second but nodded.  
  
"Remember the color of the jacket you threw in the ramen?"  
  
The older snorted.  
  
"I didn't threw it!"  
  
"You sure about that? To me it looked like you did."  
  
  
  
Hyunjin's high pitched laugh filled the quiet room and Felix couldn't be prouder.  
  
He made him laugh.  
  
Usually, making Hyunjin laugh wasn't the hardest thing in the world since almost everything made the older laugh, but right then, it felt as if it was impossible.  
  
  
  
"Yellow. That's the color you want to hear, right?"  
  
  
  
Felix smiled.  
  
The older still tried to calm down and shifted to change his position on the couch. He had to be careful in order not to accidentally fall from the black couch.  
  
The freckled boy quickly pulled the taller onto his lap and secured his arms around the older's waist again. He smiled warmly and buried his face into the taller's back.  
  
  
  
"Lix, I'm heavy, would you-"  
  
"Describe yellow."  
  
  
  
The taller sighed and let himself get pulled back by the younger.  
  
Felix put his chin on the other's shoulder and slipped his hands under Hyunjin's hoodie. His hands were cold and Hyunjin's skin too hot which is why the older squealed, when the cold hands made contact with his warm skin.  
  
Not bothered by that, Felix started to draw circles on the other's stomach, noticing how the once hard abs the older had, had softened due the lack of training.  
  
  
"Yellow is a happy color. I mean, remember Winnie the Pooh? He's yellow and happy."  
  
Felix chuckled.  
  
"Tell me more about yellow."  
  
"Lix, for real now, why do keep asking me this I-"  
  
"Just answer."  
  
Hyunjin huffed, hating the fact that Felix not only didn't answer but also kept interrupting him.  
  
"I don't think yellow is happy color."  
  
It was whisper, but the room was quite and they were so unbelievable close, so every whisper was loud enough to be heard.  
  
"It's not?"  
  
Hyunjin shook his head.  
  
"I mean, it looks happy, but- I don't know- I don't think it is?"  
  
He mumbled, a sign that he is deep in thought.  
  
Felix squeezed his tummy, earning not only a yelp but a slap at his hand. The black haired huffed again and a pout formed on his lips, but Felix was the one who didn't see it that time.   
  
"Yellow looks just too happy to be actually happy, you know?"  
  
Felix hummed, waiting for the taller to continue.  
  
"Everyone says that yellow is happy and all that but to me, it looks depressing. If yellow was a person, I'm sure that they would be sad and feel lonely and- God, I think I figured out why you keep asking me about colors."  
  
The taller laughed loudly again turning to face the younger with a smile on his face.  
  
  
  
"Took you long enough."  
  
"But I'm not afraid of forgetting colors, Lix. I'm more scared of forgetting you and Changbin and Jisung and Woojin and-"  
  
  
  
The smile on his face vanished.  
  
Felix removed the hand from under the taller's hoodie and moved the black bangs away from the older's face. The dead eyes didn't even look at him and for the second time that night, Felix felt his heart break.  
  
"You won't forget us."  
  
Also removing the other hand, Felix cupped the older's soft cheeks and wiped stray tears away with his thumbs. Again, Hyunjin shifted and wrapped his legs around Felix's waist and his arms around his neck.  
  
  
  
"Can we dance?"  
  
Hyunjin sounded shy, unsure if his request was appropriate. Felix pinched his cheeks with a smile.  
  
"Of course, my prince."  
  
  
  
Standing up was still a little issue for Hyunjin, but, fortunately, he had Felix with him. The younger picked the taller easily up and didn't mention how Hyunjin's grip tightened as soon as the older lost all the contact with the ground.  
  
A quite tap was heard, when the older put his foot down. Another one, when his other foot made contact with the wooden floor.  
  
His arms never left their place around the shorter's neck, though, and his dead eyes stared at Felix.  
  
  
  
"Can I switch on the lights?"  
  
The older shook his head violently, clinging more onto Felix than before and buring his face in the shorter's neck.  
  
"Do you want me to turn on music?"  
  
Again, the older shook his head, but a little slower that time.  
  
"No? Do you want to sing?"  
  
"Can you just continue to talk? Like, tell me about the weather or about new choreo ideas. Something like that."  
  
  
  
Felix didn't notice when they started to move.  
  
His small hands found their way under the older's hoodie again and positioned themselves on the small of his back.  
  
They were just moving around in circles at a slow pace, but Hyunjin still managed to step on Felix's feet. No matter how often the younger had told him that it's alright and that there's no need to apologise, the older still did.  
  
  
  
"It's Autumn right now. I think you once mentioned that you like that season a lot? Not sure. Well, there are barely any leaves on the trees, but most of them still lie on the ground. Oh, and Jisung and I sneaked out and went to the park yesterday. Please don't tell anyone, though. What else? Changbin is a little worried about you."  
  
"He is?"  
  
Felix's thumbs drew shapes on the small of Hyunjin's back as soon as he noticed how tensed the older got.  
  
"You rarely talk anymore, Jinnie. He's scared of losing you."  
  
Hyunjin hummed and pressed his body more with Felix's.  
  
  
  
When the taller faced Felix again, the black hair was covering his eyes. Felix was unsure if he should maybe move the bangs away, but he knew that by doing so, he would only reveal the dead eyes which were once full of hope and happiness.  
  
He didn't want to his eyes anymore.  
  
  
  
It was Felix's phone that made both of them pull apart. The loud sound and white light illuminated the dark room and Felix ran to the phone, leaving Hyunjin in the middle of the darkness.  
  
Forgetting him for a while.  
  
  
  
Chan's face stared back at the younger and for a second he feared that he was in trouble. However, not picking up the call equalled death and Felix maybe stupid from time to time, but not that stupid.  
  
"Lix, I know I told you to take your time and everthing, but don't you think it's getting a little late now?"  
  
Felix looked at the clock for the first time in probably hours and realised that it actually been hours since he had last looked at it.  
  
2:09 AM  
  
"Shit, I really didn't pay attention to the time! I'm so sorry. We will be there in 20 minutes."  
  
"What? No! I will come pick the two of-"  
  
"See you later, Channie! Bye!"  
  
  
  
Felix hung up and switched the lights back on. Squinting his eyes, he quickly collected the water bottles and clothes from the floor and stuffed them into the bags, before he turned to Hyunjin who was still standing where Felix had left him.  
  
The black hair was getting long and his brown roots were visible again. The grey hoodie was too big on Hyunjin which is why the older looked so unbelievable tiny and adorable in it.  
  
But Felix noticed how he nervously played with his fingers again or that his eyes were tightly shut. His bottom lip was quivering just the slightest and the grey hoodie had tear staines on it.  
  
Felix felt bad for leaving him alone.  
  
  
  
"Jinnie, hey-"  
  
"Please don't leave me!"  
  
Felix let the bags fall to the ground when the older started sobbing too loudly.  
  
  
  
There he was, in the middle of the room, crying on his knees with his face hidden behind his too big hands.  
  
He was screaming. Begging for everything to stop. Questioning why all that had to happen to him.  
  
And all Felix did was stare in shook at his best friend. Only then did the freckled boy understand how bad it actually was for the older.  
  
Because everything he worked so hard on achieving, was taken away from him in such a horrible way.  
  
  
  
Felix enveloped the older into a hug, forcing the other to cry onto his shoulder. By pressing the head onto his shoulder, he succeeded in muffling his screams, but he couldn't fully stop them.  
  
  
  
"Make it stop! Please!"  
  
  
  
The too big hands grabbed Felix's shirt with so much strength, the younger wondered if Hyunjin would rip the shirt appart.  
  
  
  
"Jinnie, everything's alright. Please calm-"  
  
"No! You don't understand! No one does! I want to see you again! I don't want to feel so defensless! I want my fucking life back!"  
  
Tears of frustration blurried Felix's vision as he continued to listen to Hyunjin's screams and pleas.  
  
  
  
"Please, make it stop! Why won't it stop?!"  
  
  
  
The small hands massaged the taller's back, hoping to calm the other like that.  
  
But when the screams turned into whispers and the strong grip was getting weaker, Felix watched the older fall asleep.  
  
The freckled boy sighed and jumped slightly when the door to the practice room opened and Chan rushed in with a worried expression.  
  
  
  
"It got bad again?"  
  
"That one was probably his worse."  
  
  
  
Chan freed the younger from Hyunjin and carried the sleeping boy out of the room.  
  
Felix knew that the black haired wouldn't be in the practice room anytime soon.  
  
  
  
_The once bright boy, who saw the light wherever he went, would be surrounded by darkness till the end._


End file.
